Ebb and Flow

How does it go, the ebb and flow? How does it go, we stop and go.  We go forward, we pause, we fall back a bit, all the while mindful of motion, mindful of purpose, the reason we go, how do we know?

Do we know why we do what we do? Motivated by inspiration, compensation, some other dispensation, what occasion for celebration? Sometimes it’s clear, other times not so much. Murky resolve, clear intention, or it was once, now not so much.

Habits and training and preparations, ready for any situation, so we think, so we hope; we hope we think clear when the moment comes, come what may, maybe we’ll be ready.

Worry, anxiety, uncertainty, uncertain of what’s next, what could be, what if I’m not enough, what if I fall short? Shortly we’ll know, no one knows before. It’s the wavering sense, sense of foreboding, foreshadow of failure, of crashing, crash out, time to crash, silence the voice inside, rest inside, rest assured, you’re ready, to do, go, good to go; now, ebb to flow, don’t you know, you’re ready to go.

“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ‘I have to go to work – as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for – the things for which I was brought into this world to do?” – attributed to Marcus Aurelius with some narrative license.

Put another way, it might go something like this:

Let’s get after it. NOW.”

Darkness and Light

WOW. I last posted here over a month ago, on Good Friday. I had every intention of posting again the following week, after Easter, to share boost of positivism. It didn’t happen.

Over the last few weeks it’s been harder to find any writing time, or much free time period, it feels like. I’ve been working maybe a more hours at the day job, maybe…and certainly been prioritizing sleep, trying to stay healthy.

That luck ran out this week. I started having flu-like symptoms on Monday afternoon, and it’s gotten progressively worse. Achy muscles, runny nose, hacking cough, shakes and shivers, all bundled up to keep me home to work right up to present.

I’m fortunate that my company and manager both have the attitude that working from home from time to time is ok, and of course, taking sick time when you need to is the thing to do. So I’m home taking care of me, trying to heal up, work as I can, and get better.

Weird thing is, I’ve felt further out of sorts being out of the normal routine. All the “other” things I have on my master to-do list seem to swell up and cause anxiety, spin me out further. Weird indeed.

Then this morning I took the time to read a short post by a blogger I enjoy, Fred Wilson. He’s home sick today too. The small effort of reading his blog did two things for me.

1/ It reminded me how easy it is to post something in a blog, if you’re willing to make a little effort. And as I’ve shared before, I want to be more like Fred in that regard; he posts every day.

2/ It also reminded me that I’m not alone being sick and feeling crappy. Of course I know that intellectually, but I’d lost track of that emotionally and have been feeling a little isolated [funny to feel “isolated” when you life with four other people].

And so for whatever reason that simple read lead to this little write and I’m turning the corner on the darkness. This darkness wasn’t external evil, it had been within, the enemy within, the doubt and struggle and anxiousness and ill-feeling that compound to grind us down.

I’ve been here before, I’m sure I’ll be here again. Maybe we get better at this sort of process too, like other things we’ve had a lot of practice with. Realizing why you’re in a funk, re-setting, and taking steps to make it better.

Go toward the light, create more light, believe it can get better, then take steps to make it be better.

That’s the essence of this blog, that’s my essence, that’s my core life mission…and, I’m back. GOOD.