Is It Normal?

As the new year gets under way I recall a couple days back, standing in my garage, listening to the rain subside, looking out through the door to the darkness in the backyard.

There I was, shapeshifter, projecting forward, writing about the past. My own little take on shape-shifting, maybe more seer forward, looking back.

Is it normal, this behavior? It’s my normal, that’s for sure. A seer, seeking…what?

Is it normal, going to bed at eight o’clock at night? It is for me, planned to get up three hours before the sun…

…but too, my easiest, cheapest, most available coping mechanism, slumber, dear slumber…sleep, deep I pray, deep.

I consider a piece I heard about teachers battling in the second year of Covid; their words ring true to me, struggle, without end it seems, but also resolve.

This truth is at the core, their resolve to see it through, this difficult time, thru.

Is it normal to buckle down? For how long? Not clear, no no, not clear.

This through-line for me: lean-in, keep going, keep learning, be open, take care of yourself, find the little bits of joy to sustain along the way…

In work, parenting, marriage, divorce, all relationships, regular everyday, big things, little things, finding inspiration, waiting through the times of feeling stalled out,

Is it normal to feel all this? I think so.

I think it’s called life.

GOOD.

Due Diligence

This term, “due diligence”, can mean different things I think, depending on context.

At the core it means doing the needful, being responsible, taking ownership.

There are of course many context for this idea: maybe one of the most important is being responsible for one’s personal health.

Like going to the dentist two or three times a year. Like annual check-ups. Like other tests to check key aspects of your physical health. Attending to your mental health as well.

It’s on each of us to take care of ourselves a first; we can’t help others unless we are also in good shape.

I’m headed in for a check-up procedure myself today; hoping for a good result.

Fingers crossed.

We’ll see.

Bottom line though, good, bad, or otherwise,

Due diligence. Take care of you.

40

I shared this one before. Not mine, not even U2’s originally…

Originally from a now nameless writer several thousand years ago. What language was it even written in?

No matter. The words ate timeless in their comfort and hope. From Psalm 40.

“I wait for the Lord, he inclines and hears my cry; he lift me up out of the pit, out of the myre and clay…

And I will sing a new song of praise to the Lord…”

Something like that. Each minute. Each hour. Each day. Something like that.

Blog Like A Tweet: Sunday Eve Lull

Mishmash morning, kids’ whim to add pancakes to breakfast? Done.

Number Three finished her laundry put-away? Magic.

These highlights outweighed a couple bumps, and away we went into the afternoon.

Home run visit to a county park wed not tried previous; quick return errand and grocery stop on the way home, now can see clearly to bedtime in about three hours, and yet…

Somehow it feels flat. What? The day.

I’m digging deep for gratitude and content…no always easy…

Flat, and some anxiety dripping in…but why…

But why…

Looming end to the divorce process, busy last several of weeks at work to year-end, nebulous self-doubt…

The same old song and dance, it seems. Just the shit I got going on. Well you know what?

I’m dancing all the same.

Glimmer

A glimmer of hope, that’s what I find;

That’s what I find when I look up close, when I’m open, eyes, arms, wide.

A bit of hope, a friendly tone, an unexpected embrace, literally, figuratively, over a screen, right in front of me,

Close to touch, pay gently, love gently, eternally, the glimmer will not die,

The glimmer in your eyes, in your heart, deep, will not die, remember,

Glimmer.

One Foot In…

You might think this is a blog post around not being committed, “…one foot in, one foot out…”

But rather, it’s a quick nod to those who can successfully operate in multiple mindsets congruently. This particular skill set is valuable; this particular capability should be cultivated, nurtured, respected.

I’ve often thought and believed in the power of compartmentalizations. Of late I have a new appreciation for the mentality and related skills of multi-tasking.

“…one foot in both worlds…”,

GOOD.

Wicked Dad

I remember when I was a kid, sometimes we used the word “wicked” to mean “cool”, etc. I’d like to think I’m a “wicked dad” in that context….but just now, feeling pretty far from it.

Weird day, best intentions sideways, some practical tasks completed, but big picture, I’m feeling wicked in the old-fashioned sense of the word.

My eldest is balling her eyes out, somewhat on purpose it seems, sitting in the closet in a room down the hall. I’m in the kitchen, I can hear her frustrated, anguished cries from her.

Not sure what happened.

She was cross with me when I decided to park farther than she wanted me to from the store entrance earlier in the afternoon. And she gave me the silent treatment all through the store. She’s not even eleven, and I can feel myself pretty much completely befuddled at the whole circumstance.

For all my belief in myself, that I know how to communicate and can adapt to others’ tones, personalities, etc., I’ve not had much luck with women in that regard. In the aggregate. And now I fear, that shortfall is going to extend to my daughters. Hell, maybe my son too…

Not feeling of very high self-esteem as a communicator / relationship problem solver just now.

Seems like I bump along with them, all the kids, sometimes. I don’t lose my cool too much, though sometimes my tone takes on a more…firm character…but when this “cold shoulder” happens…well, I just don’t have an answer.

Except wait. Be patient. Don’t lose the cool. Stay calm. It’s pretty hard, though. Really f*cking hard, actually. My nature is to be really strongly pulled into other people’s emotion, experience, etc. And I KNOW that’s not the right approach, so the struggle is all framed up, bumpy, hard road ahead on this front.

All the same, on we go. How does Brene Brown put it? “We are built for struggle; we are meant for love and belonging.” Something like that.

Yepper.

This sharing not a cry for help, or “whoa as me”, but just a share to share, get it out there, get it off my chest. For anyone reading this who has met me / knows me beyond this blog, sharing so you know what’s up just now with me on this life journey, a little immediate share of bumpiness, a little more context to why I strive for HalfFullAllGood.

Because I’m wicked inside. And not always “cool” ~ but striving, ever striving.

ONWARD.