Glimmer

A glimmer of hope, that’s what I find;

That’s what I find when I look up close, when I’m open, eyes, arms, wide.

A bit of hope, a friendly tone, an unexpected embrace, literally, figuratively, over a screen, right in front of me,

Close to touch, pay gently, love gently, eternally, the glimmer will not die,

The glimmer in your eyes, in your heart, deep, will not die, remember,

Glimmer.

One Foot In…

You might think this is a blog post around not being committed, “…one foot in, one foot out…”

But rather, it’s a quick nod to those who can successfully operate in multiple mindsets congruently. This particular skill set is valuable; this particular capability should be cultivated, nurtured, respected.

I’ve often thought and believed in the power of compartmentalizations. Of late I have a new appreciation for the mentality and related skills of multi-tasking.

“…one foot in both worlds…”,

GOOD.

Wicked Dad

I remember when I was a kid, sometimes we used the word “wicked” to mean “cool”, etc. I’d like to think I’m a “wicked dad” in that context….but just now, feeling pretty far from it.

Weird day, best intentions sideways, some practical tasks completed, but big picture, I’m feeling wicked in the old-fashioned sense of the word.

My eldest is balling her eyes out, somewhat on purpose it seems, sitting in the closet in a room down the hall. I’m in the kitchen, I can hear her frustrated, anguished cries from her.

Not sure what happened.

She was cross with me when I decided to park farther than she wanted me to from the store entrance earlier in the afternoon. And she gave me the silent treatment all through the store. She’s not even eleven, and I can feel myself pretty much completely befuddled at the whole circumstance.

For all my belief in myself, that I know how to communicate and can adapt to others’ tones, personalities, etc., I’ve not had much luck with women in that regard. In the aggregate. And now I fear, that shortfall is going to extend to my daughters. Hell, maybe my son too…

Not feeling of very high self-esteem as a communicator / relationship problem solver just now.

Seems like I bump along with them, all the kids, sometimes. I don’t lose my cool too much, though sometimes my tone takes on a more…firm character…but when this “cold shoulder” happens…well, I just don’t have an answer.

Except wait. Be patient. Don’t lose the cool. Stay calm. It’s pretty hard, though. Really f*cking hard, actually. My nature is to be really strongly pulled into other people’s emotion, experience, etc. And I KNOW that’s not the right approach, so the struggle is all framed up, bumpy, hard road ahead on this front.

All the same, on we go. How does Brene Brown put it? “We are built for struggle; we are meant for love and belonging.” Something like that.

Yepper.

This sharing not a cry for help, or “whoa as me”, but just a share to share, get it out there, get it off my chest. For anyone reading this who has met me / knows me beyond this blog, sharing so you know what’s up just now with me on this life journey, a little immediate share of bumpiness, a little more context to why I strive for HalfFullAllGood.

Because I’m wicked inside. And not always “cool” ~ but striving, ever striving.

ONWARD.

Anxiety: In the Darkness

Funny thing thinking about, writing about anxiety. I see different angles at different times. No surprise, really.

That’s how anxiety works; that’s how our life experience works. Anxiety is part of it. Sure it can be overwhelming, crippling, devastating, even deadly…but then again, it’s just part of life too.

I don’t experience it in a deadly extreme fashion very often. In fact, not ever.

I’ve never considered checking out, or giving up forever, or crawling, or running, away. It’s fucking hard sometimes, but it hasn’t permanently dominated me (yet), in 54 years on this Earth.

Sure, sometimes is it hard. Sometimes it’s really hard. Sometimes it lays on top of me and won’t let me know. Sometimes it creeps up…

Like in the dark, late last night. Like after going to bed, to sleep at reasonable time, anxiety creeped up on me, unsuspecting. A few hours into the night, just after midnight, I leaped out of bed, and almost punched the wall, thinking it was someone standing there in the dark…

Anxiety waiting for me, looking at me, gently tossing and turning, maybe whispering…

I don’t know…but I didn’t want it there in that moment…don’t want it there, in the darkness…

But if it’s there…well fine…

If it’s there, I might roll over, or I might leap up and punch it in the face,

One thing I do know, I’m not giving up, and I’m not checking out.

Let it come. Come along, anxiety…

In the dark, in the light, how you like…I might not be ready, but come along all the same.

Anxiety: Shape Shifter

It ebbs and flows, anxiety.

It’s a fluid, dynamic thing.

Sometimes it washes over; other times it laps laps laps gently on the shore.

It can turn violent in an instant, that’s my experience.

Anxiety is a shape shifter; it comes in the darkness, finding its way to your demise.

How can it optimize it’s crippling, or at least negative effect deep inside you?

To my own personal experience, it’s not a panic attack; it seems that if I’m ready, awake, prepared, I can soldier on. I don’t panic.

But I don’t like it; or at least, historically I’ve tried to avoid, ignore. I’ve used various means to mediate its grip.

Lately though, I wonder if it’s hell-bent on my demise; maybe that’s not its purpose, its intent.

Maybe that shape-shifter quality is to find it’s way to my most inner, vulnerable side, to help me grow, change, be…better?

Shape-shifter. Maybe anxiety is encouraging me in its own, weird way, to be a shape-shifter too…?

Yea….maybe…

Slog Through

Some days, weeks, longer,

Feels like we’re slogging through.

Keep a little smile on the face, head down to the grindstone, thankful for what we have,

Undertone though?

Slogging through, legs heavy, thick on your mind, in the back,

Slow go.

It’s this very time, each time, to stop the slide,

To pause and give thanks, quiet thanks, silent nod, to something, anything, good;

And that’s enough, can sustain another minute, hour, day,

To reset, breath, refocus, and go forward. GO FORWARD.

Yes you can. Even through the slog, legs heavy, stacks all around you,

Fear not, and you are not alone, and don’t give into panic,

Oh no no, not alone, go forward, that you can, do,

GOOD.

A Little Extra, Love

A little more time, a little extra love, with those we love. Maybe one of the fundamental goals of my life.

When I’m with those I love, I don’t want it to end. It’s the same for all of us, right?

And so when the evening is waning — another waning lesson — I try to soak up every moment, appreciate everything moment,

And if I have the power and the latitude to extend the time I do, damn the downstream effects, I’ll deal with it,

The love is so strong,

Love is so strong.